Who’s That Queer Pokémon?

Fairy-type Pokémon are one of my favourite additions to the franchise in recent generations and that is pretty much entirely to do with how wonderfully queer they all are. With Generation IX coming up, I decided to do something silly and fun, so I made a list of all current Fairy-type Pokémon and rated them on how queer they are!

That does mean my list only includes Pokémon introduced in the eight generations so far (sorry Fidough) and my criteria mostly boil down to the overall vibe I get from the Pokémon. I’m looking for the most proud, fabulous and extra ‘mons!

For its appropriateness, I’ll be using the numbers of the Kinsey Scale to rate each Fairy Pokémon, with 6 being the most queer, although since they’re all Fairies, none will be scored a 0. I won’t be taking the literal meanings of each number seriously, but just use the values to mean “most queer” and “least queer”. I’ll average evolutionary stages to get an overall impression of each evolution’s queerness.

Let’s see who I think is the queerest Pocket Monster of them all!

First up is Cleffa, who I’m scoring a 3, shy ingenue that she is. Next is the OG Fairy Pokémon herself, Miss Clefairy, who definitely steps her pussy up as she evolves, scoring a 4! Last in this line is Clefable, and while she’s clearly here for a good time, those Liberace wings aren’t fooling anyone. She gets a 2. Don’t come for me.

Moving on, we have Alolan Ninetales, who is without a doubt among the Top of the Pops when it comes to queer Pokémon icons. 6 for you Ninetales, you go Ninetales!

Next we have Igglybuff, who is simply brimming with queer promise! 3 for her, she deserves it. Jigglypuff knows what she’s about. She’s here for the attention and she’s always got a mic ready. Give the girl a 4! Now Madame Wigglytuff, on the other hand, while serving butch queen the house down boots, is giving off some insecure vibes. Know who you are, gurl! Sadly, we must a 2 give.

Galarian Rapidash. Need I say more? 6.

Galarian Weezing, now she’s a puzzler. I’m as torn between two worlds as she appears to be. Is she living her truth? Is she her authentic self? Take a 3 for confusing me and for effort.

Mime Jr. is a baby clown. 4! Mr. Mime? Now she knows exactly what she is. 5 hands down, hunty. Assert those psychic boundaries!

Sylveon. Parisian rabbit of mystery with the fashion sense of a four-year-old with undiagnosed ADHD. Do I sense a touch of timid behind those pale blues? Is she hiding behind those gymnastics ribbon scarves or is she just a flag-waving ally? Hmm… trans colour palette says 5.

Togepi needs to find herself and fully come out of that shell. 2. Togetic is on a journey and we are all here to support her, 3. Togekiss, the Jubilee Pokémon? Get out of here! 6.

Next up we have Azurill, who is so unsure and unready we’ve got to give the gal a 2, but she has all our love and support. Marill. Is. Living. Is she walking on air? No. But she’s starting to float! Give her 3. Azumarill is bringing her parts together. She is self-actualising in a real way. 4.

Snubbull is and has always been everything I want to be when I grow up. Is she flipping the script? Is she giving closeted playground bully? Is she a pug-faced primadonna? Pup play meets filth pig humiliation fetish? Take a hefty 5 and come see me in my dreams. Granbull’s a 4 with no explanation needed. We all know her.

Ralts wins “too shy for this haircut and Mum doesn’t get me” category. The Feeling Pokémon is sending me 5 vibes. Kirlia the Emotion Pokémon? In this economy? Bitch knows she’s a 5 and is ready for the ball.

Now I will be the first to admit that Gardevoir is feeling a little conservative. She’s faced some hardship, she’s blending in, that suburban bob/smock combo is covering up a stifled flower child. But when she Mega Evolves, the Embrace Pokémon embraces her true self enough to bump her back up to a 5.

Mawile. Who is she, really? This two-faced art kid brings her A game to drama club when she Mega Evolves and it is high drag enough to earn her a 5. Sue me.

Mega Altaria. Did I fucking stutter? Give the girl a 6!

Mega Audino went to medical school in 2007 but then decided to embrace who she is and used her skills to serve her community by opening a sexual health clinic at the Pokémon Centre. That is her narrative. She’s earned that 5.

Cottonee is so closeted and straight-acting she’s about three years away from a ‘discreet Masc4Masc’ Grindr once her early twenties glow-up happens. 1 for you, my dear. The Cotton Puff Pokémon has become the cotton poof! Whimsicott is shining with a definite 3. Good for her.

Flabébé. Ageplaying floral designer or budding French artiste? That Tricolore trick with the alternate flower palettes is definitely giving some rainbow vibes. She gets a 3 for sure. Floette waves those flower flags of various colours like a parasol. And the unseen, unobtainable, secret Eternal Flower Floette? Queerness at its finest. Aloof, yet packs a punch. Lonely, but never alone. I give this girl a 4.

Florges is a Fairy drag queen. That unnecessary permanent backbend displaying her surely uncomfortable rear? The flowers melded into her skin? Lashes so long her eyelids must be stronger than my arms? All wearing the same outfit in different colours? The mermaid tail tube skirt restricting all leg movement down to her gigantic billowing foot leaves? That is 6s across the board!

Spritzee is exactly the right levels of guarded, morose and pink to earn her cute, spritely, vintage perfume puff self a solid 4 and I’ve nothing more to say on the matter. Aromatisse, however, is a tacky combo of gaudy nightmare fuel. A can-can dancing plague doctor whose beady red eyes are adorned with lashes that suggest her eyelids go sideways like a lizard…? Get real. She’s a seasoned hooker with two grams of coke in each bra cup. Still gets a 4, just for all the wrong reasons.

Swirlix gets a 2. ‘Nuff said. Slurpuff is something I don’t ever want near me. She gets a 4 though, cos that horror mascot is queer as all Hades.

Dedenne is an adorable little bundle of cuteness with one glaring let down: she’s basically almost straight. She’s coming to fix your cable and having an awkward slightly-charged conversation over a cup of coffee that leaves you with no indication to gauge where she’s at, then leaves with a shy smile and a handshake. Sorry but it’s a 1.

Carbink wants to be something she isn’t but maybe could be but probably won’t be and isn’t brave enough to try. But the jewels and individuality grant her a 3.

Kelfki is identity shopping in a vintage store downtown but hasn’t figured herself out enough to know who she wants to be. That’s 2 behaviour.

Xerneas is a life-loving, forest-dwelling, rainbow-crowned tree freak. Neutral Mode isn’t her passing - it’s so she can enjoy the drama of dazzling everyone in her Active Mode and she lights up every opportunity she gets. There’s a palpable axe wound here somewhere. That’s a 6, bitch. Sorry not sorry.

Now, Miss Diancie may seem like your run-of-the-mill self-congratulatory, ex-religious, new wave party boy homosexual, but she is so much more. That Mega Evolution? Trixie Mattel would blush if she could. Overall 6. Well played.

Primarina has my heart, my soul, my underbite. She’s a sea lion with piscine grace. We’re not even talking about that hair. The Medusoid magic is a watery ballet of wet wiggery. She has so much to offer and she’s almost always a man. Bitch slays the Pokémon League serving mermaidian circus fish. She’s belting an operatic tune none of us asked for, wanted or much appreciate, but damn is she fabulous doing it. Fish are jealous of her. Drag queens hate her. Gay men want her. Straight men want to be her. She is Queen of the Sea. 6 is my final answer.

Cutiefly works in a corner bookshop on Wednesdays and Thursdays and one day dreams of owning a mustard scarf. She’s as beige as they come. Vanilla is the flavour on the menu and she’s serving the dish with the stiffest of wrists. But she has a “partner”, so. You get a 2. Ribbombee wants to be a writer, so I guess we’ll give her that. She’ll tell you all about the best tabletop games to play by yourself and her favourite colour is brown. What we’re left with is a 3, is what I’m saying. You get it.

Morelull? More like lull me to sleep with your white noise of a toneless melody you boring toadstool. We could be anything and we’re what? A confused fungal reject from the 2016 Miss Mushroom pageant? Find your voice. Sorry but she’s a 1. There’s colour there, but it’s so faded. Shiinotic. Now she knows who she is! This is Miss Illuminating 2.0, finally comfortable in her own skin and radiating joy. She’s weird and she’s cool with it. She’s fun to talk to at parties. She’s got trivia and sassy putdowns under that hat. 4 for you, Shiinotic!

Now is Comfey hosting a bitching dinner party or is she just selling you her homemade jewellery? I don’t know but that’s a 4 if I’ve ever seen a living floral arrangement.

Please welcome to the stage Miss Mimikyu. Now this is not someone who’s hiding their true self. Yes, she’s shy, but in a mysterious way. Her Halloween costume is hand-stitched. Her style is unique, she’s not here to compromise who she is. This is her true self. This is who she wants you to see. This is her fursona at the gig. She may enter her Busted Form often, but it’s not for a lack of trying and she always gets back up. If only she could apply that confidence to the person underneath, she’d be truly unstoppable. Mimikyu gets a 3 and is always invited to my party, Halloween or otherwise.

Tapu Koko is a free spirit with lesbian energy and no fucks to give. I give her a 4 and a high five. Tapu Lele is femme elegance with enough quirk in her step to be fun but not overly annoying. She gets a solid 4. Tapu Bulu is giving me some butchy, down-to-earth with a hint of flair energy and I’m vibing. The bull ring, the hat, the bell… it’s all working for me. Is she as queer as her sisters, though? Maybe not, but she’s there. We see her. 3 is a fine score for this bull. Tapu Fini’s got some femme flair, but she’s kind of erring on the side of heteronormativity. Come out of your shell more, babes. She’s giving less Little Mermaid and more clammed-up pearl. It’s a 3.

Magearna has promise, but it’s also a 3 for me. Outside of her Original Color form, the Artificial Pokémon is bland, timid and not giving off as queer an identity as her outfit suggests.

Hatterene. Are you kidding me? Yes Gawd Mama thank you! She is giving witchy, weird, aloof trans flag hat girl realness. She’s a divorcee hiding beneath an oversized wig and that Gigantamax form is pure theatre. She gets a 6. Her limit does not exist!

Impidimp is a boisterous pink scoundrel, but I’m not seeing the full fruition of their queerness. Maybe they’re just not ready to accept themselves and own their identity. A punk for sure, but it’s a 2. Next! Now Morgrem is a true emo queen. She takes Impidimp’s pure gremlin energy and applies it to her hair. That’s a 4 for sure!

Grimmsnarl knows exactly who she is. She’s covered in hair and doesn’t care if you stare. But it’s the sheer queer sheen of her Gigantamax form that earns her a 4. Just look at that pose! Queen.

Milcery says it all. She’s milky. She’s milquetoast. She’s plain vanilla almond oatmeal energy. She’s a blob devoid of desire, she’s a passionless glob of tasteless gunk mixing it up with the heteros. Absolutely a 1.

Alcremie, Alcremie, Alcremie… how the tables have turnt. From zero to hero, she’s become the most queer, extra, unique glob of desert. With so many colourful forms and accessories to choose from, she elevates the bar all the way to queer heaven and her Gigantamax form is just the literal cherry on top of that gay cake! Dayum Alcremie. You get a 6!

Now Zacian’s a funny one. She clearly knows what she’s about and loves herself, but while what she’s about may be kinky as all hell, she’s just not the queerest. That is, until she enters her Crowned Sword mode and earns herself a 5 overall. We can all see why (if you can’t, shut up).

And finally, Enamorus. Boy is this one hard to call. I mean, it isn’t. She’s clearly queer as all hell. But she’s also kind of the worst ever. Even still, I can’t deny she’s feeling herself and loving every minute in either form. She may not be the queer icon we wanted, or deserve, or should have to put up with, but she’s the one we’ve got damn it. Is that not the true queer experience? Miss Enamorus has earned her 6 and makes no apologies for it, even if she is really grating to have around. We’re still grateful that she is.

So, all in all, we have several average scores ranking from 1 to 6. Here are the results:

Coming in last place is Dedenne, who with no other forms to give her life a splash of colour, retains her 1.

Next is Klefki, who like Dedenne, is left stuck with her 2, as are Cottonee-Whimsicott. Sad. Closely following are Cutiefly-Ribombee and Morelull-Shiinotic, who both score an average of 2.5.

Cleffa-Clefairy-Clefable, Igglybuff-Jigglypuff-Wigglytuff, Galarian Weezing, Azurill-Marill-Azumarill, Swirlix-Slurpuff, Carbink, Mimikyu, Tapu Bulu, Tapu Fini and Magearna all get an average score of 3, making them all the most “eh, sure okay, they’re queer” of the bunch. That lot are dethroned by Impidimp-Morgrem-Grimmsnarl, who walk away with 3.3, while Milcery-Alcremie earn a solid 3.5, just to be topped by Togepi-Togetic-Togekiss, who get 3.6.

Now things get interesting, with Spritzee-Aromatisse, Comfey, Tapu Koko and Tapu Lele taking the number 4 spot. That group are followed by Flabébé-Floette-Florges, who earned themselves an average of 4.3. They’re then bested by Mime Jr.-Mr. Mime and Snubbull-Granbull, who both average out at 4.5.

Now for the big guns. In the semifinals, we have Ralts-Kirlia-Gardevoir, Mawile, Mega Audino, Sylveon and Zacian each walking away with a well-earned 5.

And now (drumroll please)… The moment you’ve all been waiting for. The moment you’ve been hanging on tenterhooks, dying to know, bursting to find out. The finalists for the PlayTyme Pokémon League Queer Olympics, each earning themselves a 6 overall, are as follows:

• Alolan Ninetales

• Galarian Rapidash

• Mega Altaria

• Xerneas

• Diancie

• Primarina

• Hatterene

• Enamorus

So there you have it. Now, I thought about creating several graphs to pointlessly chart these Pokémon in order of their arbitrarily-assigned queerness, but that seemed a little too extra, even for me. I considered doing a tie breaker to determine first place, but honestly I think the top eight speak for themselves. If we’re splitting hairs, I’d say the finale goes like this:

Bottom of the Masters Eight is Xerneas. Sorry rainbow deer, but you just aren’t quite as fabulous as some of the other contestants.

Coming in seventh place then is Primarina. She’s fabulous, yes. She was my favourite win too. She just didn’t have the stuff to go all the way.

Sixth place goes to Diancie. She’s iridescent, what can I say? Don’t ask me what the criteria are, I don’t know! Now let’s keep going.

Fifth is Enamorus. I know. I know! She sucks, but that’s the point. She is so undeniably queer even Diancie can’t compete. It’s the tortoise form for me. It’s such a bold, brave, so-wrong-it’s-wrong-and-wrong-is-right-wait-what-huh? moment, but her reign ends here. She comes fifth.

Fourth spot is for Hatterene. I wish she could have been in the Top 3, but I only make up the rules as I go. My hands were tied.

Third place was a tough pick, but cracking nuts is what we’re here to do. Alolan Ninetales just scraped above Hatterene’s queerness with her effortlessly extra poofiness. It was such a close call, I don’t even want to talk about it. Stop bringing it up.

Second place was surprisingly a no-brainer. She fought well, she fought long and hard. Mostly hard, but also a little long. It’s Mega Altaria. There was no competition in the final moments. Yes she’s a cut above the rest, but the true queer icon is obvious.

And the Top then has to be… (more drums!)

…Galarian Rapidash! DUH. It’s a rainbow unicorn. 🌈🦄🏳️‍🌈

We’re done here. Now go find something better to waste time reading!